It [envy] is not something to be suppressed as unsisterly but an emotional response that we need to pay attention to.
Luise Eichenbaum and Susie Orbach, Between Women
Don’t be ashamed to be envious. When it comes to dieting, I’ve listened to many women give up because they figured that they would never look as good as the models on television.
Instead of letting envy spur them to action, women like Pearl, a fifty-year-old grandmother of two, just comforts herself with remarks like, “I couldn’t care less.” In the words of author Kate White in 9 Secrets of Women Who Get Everything They Want, you say, “I couldn’t care less” when you are envious.
I’ve done a little envy investigating on my own. As women, we size people up with our eyes, from top to bottom in a single glance or glare. During the week, I like to watch how women respond to other women who enter the coffee shop.
Here’s what happens. When an average-looking, (I know, what’s “average” right? But you know what I mean) thirty-something woman with a few extra pounds walks in with a dress-suit, she gets some fast glances from women about the shop. When a large, average-looking middle-age woman walks in wearing jeans and a flower shirt, most women subtly gloss over her.
Yet, when a slender, sexy but professionally clad woman walks into the coffee shop, women don’t just glance once at the Venus, they glance once, act as if they don’t care, and size up this woman again and again, in sneak peaks. I am guilty of all this myself as well.
But what’s really going on here? It’s more than envy when we see another hot woman. We internally question whether or not we are living to our fullest, sexiest potential.
Julie Ann Barnhill talks about this in Today’s Christian Woman as she frustratingly writes “… every day, everywhere, from every age bracket, and even despite our faith in Jesus Christ, we size each other up, comparing supposed weaknesses and trying to make ourselves feel better by ignoring or brushing off one another. The sad truth is, we’re doing what comes naturally—in the flesh.”
Envy arises so easily in us because it promotes self-enhancement. Wouldn’t the Olympics be boring if no one ever tried to set a new world record in any given sport? What would be the point of watching the games?
The awe-inspiring nature of the whole event would be gone. And how many companies have you worked for or heard of that have given up the idea of setting a new sales record?
We compare ourselves to other people to see if we are living up to our greatest potential as human beings. Naturally, a 40 year-old does not compare herself with an 80 year-old and torment herself for not having a loving and bountiful family as her senior counterpart does. That’s silly, procreation takes time and the 80 year-old has had a lot of it.
When I see a woman dressed like a prima donna during the week, I say to myself, “That woman made time for herself to look good. Why couldn’t I take some time for myself to look good? I made an excuse not to, that’s why.” Then again, when I see a woman who is fit and full of energy, if I feel envy rise in me, it’s only because I doubt that I’m giving it my all at the gym.
The point of envy is not to lose your identity by cloning the person you envy as Betsy Cohen tells us in The Snow White Syndrome. Envy acts as a springboard for self-discovery. Instead of focusing on the woman you envy, ask why you envy her in the first place. What weak spot in your own personal development does she make you think of? Do you truly want what she has or are you chastising yourself for not having what you think you should have?