“My parents thought I became a lesbian because I wouldn’t be able to find a man,” recalls National Organization for Lesbians of Size member Shira Stone in an Advocate article entitled “Lesbians’ Weight Debate.”
Stone’s parents are not alone in being convinced that a woman’s body weight is a determinant of her success with men. A provocative body of homosexual research gives insight into how a heterosexual woman’s measure of body acceptance is a direct function of how she perceives men’s acceptance of her image as physically attractive.
A 1992 study called Body Image Satisfaction in Homosexual Women and Heterosexual Women concluded that homosexual women desired a “significantly” heavier ideal weight, and were more satisfied with their bodies than their heterosexual counterparts. Another study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders examined the influence of sexual orientation on body dissatisfaction in adult men and women.
Researchers found that homosexual
men obsess more about their body image than homosexual women. As such, heterosexual females and homosexual males suffer from self-induced pressure to live up to self-perceived images of what men will find physically attractive.
Women, admittedly or not, value a man’s opinion of their physical appearance. Women obsess about what men think of them. Thus, it would be foolish to write about how women screw-up their diets without mentioning how our hidden ties to men influence how we dress, act and eat. Consciously or unconsciously, our view of men does influence our actions.
On the other hand, men have told me that they believe women care more about what other women, as opposed to men, think of them. This phenomenon is revealed in a survey conducted by Old Dominion University psychologist Thomas Cash and published in Health magazine. Cash and graduate student Lora Jacobi questioned 66 male and 69 female students, all Caucasian, regarding how each would change their own body if they could. The women presumed that men would want “a busty, blue-eyed Christie Brinkley” type woman, and the participating women would change their body to reflect this assumed ideal. In reality, the men desired “fit but moderately sized people, without exaggerated muscles or breasts.”
Yet, women still have unresolved image issues that deeply involve men. Judge and author Judy Sheindlin touches on this when she writes:
“This is a dirty little secret that women share and rarely talk about. You can be the president of a corporation, an astronaut, a neurosurgeon, a judge—it doesn’t matter. All of us started from the same ground zero with the lesson: If you want to get along in life, you’d better defer to men.” —Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever
We believe, intellectually, that looks don’t matter. But psychological studies, and our own personal habits and judgments, reveal otherwise. Looking pretty gets us noticed. It’s a fact: people will treat you better if you look “hot.” You could get an even lighter sentence in prison just by looking “innocent.” In The Body Project Joan Jacobs Brumberg goes so far as to say that little girls learn that their gender is tied to their looks.
What’s this got to do with dieting? The answer involves deference and confusion. You probably will look better after you diet. Men probably will find you more attractive (no promises here though). Does this mean that you are succumbing to the desires of men? Does losing weight mean that you are holding to traditional feminine ideals so that others will like you? Is your sexuality now ruled by men?
Only when we take full responsibility for how we have knowingly or unknowingly played out the power dynamics of the male imagination—in wanting to be or envying the Object of Desire—can we learn to connect freely to ourselves and others without excessive self-consciousness and control. This freedom is a product of knowledge, especially self-knowledge.
Polly Young-Eisendrath, Women and Desire
Judge Judy Sheindlin finds men “not guilty” when it comes to sexually controlling women. Instead, she reasons that women are controlled by their desire to please others and avoid confrontation.
When we are not clear with ourselves on how we relate to men, and how we view our commitments and responsibilities to men, we second-guess our self-image. Then, we go on to question our motives for changing our image. Ultimately, if we diet, the diet mistakenly comes to symbolize masculine dominance. But this only happens if our motivations for dieting are marred from the beginning. Whom are you dieting for?